What would you do if you met the man of your dreams but it turns out you aren’t exactly compatible in the bedroom.
That’s exactly what happened to a 28-year-old gay man who recently wrote into sex advice columnist Pamela Stephenson Connolly at the U.K.’s The Guardian, to vent his frustrations about his total top boyfriend who has never bottomed in their two year relationship.
“In previous relationships I was – mainly – the top,” he writes. “I have been with my current partner for two years and in this relationship I have only been the bottom, as my partner has a fear of it. I am very frustrated, and have contemplated cheating, which fills me with guilt. I love him very much, but feel as though we are incompatible on this basic level.”
“Your feelings about sexual bottoming are perfectly valid,” Connolly advises. “A conversation about fairness, in which you honestly express your feelings and ask for change, is needed.”
“Try to delve into the metaphoric meanings of topping and bottoming for both of you,” she continued. “Once you feel truly understood, attempt to renegotiate that contract, expressing yourself calmly and clearly. If there is an impasse, discuss other options, including outside arrangements.”
She concludes by adding: “But note – in consensual sex, the person bottoming is in control (psychologically topping, since he has the power to withdraw his permission). Do you really want to give that up?”